seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
