If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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