Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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