Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
