Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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