he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
