Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
