I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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