So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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