i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
