that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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