my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I touched a dick in church today
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
