i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
