don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I got inside last night via doggy door
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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