i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
