Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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