First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
