Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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