so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
