I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
