She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
