Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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