i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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