I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
