i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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