I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
