I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize