Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He kissed a someone with a penis
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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