just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
