my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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