Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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