right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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