I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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