fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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