drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
