i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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