just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
