It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
