Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
