if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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