im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
