Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
