My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
