If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
