This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My bed smells like the plague
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
