I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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