my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
