then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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