y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
