im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
