pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
