so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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