so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
