I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you would pick up someone in the library
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
