went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Randomize
