did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize